Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Rocks, Hard Places, Blame And The Nightmare...

This may be a bit...I dunno...'dark' for some.  But if you find yourself a bit too happy lately.  Frivolous in the face of the travails of life.  In need of a downer.  Please continue.  I disavow any responsibility for the side-effects of depression that could follow reading it. Please don't sue me.

You know the dream.  You have had it off and on for years. You are butt-naked in a public place...usually at that place in your life that caused you anxiety anyway...and you are trying to fit in, or get to a place where you can grab something to cover yourself.

I have had this dream/nightmare, and it never ceases to shake me up.  Of course, it is wonderfully relieving to awaken and find yourself in your own little bed.  Not naked in a train station or high school. But you are shaken by the bending of time that you have just mentally experienced.  That feeling that you will never be able to get out of a situation in which you feel lost and embarrassed...and, well...naked.  A nightmare that never seems to end.  It just gets worse.
 
You are about to notice the beginnings of such a hallucination that isn't a hallucination and that truly does not end except in death.  I'm speaking of aging.
I do not want to get into a description of the process of 'wheels falling off'.  Whining and complaining about aches and pains and diminishing returns. Loss of the energy that you once had.  Or loss in general.  That is a 'given' that is lost on those that see such a time as so far in their future as not to even be contemplated now.  And that's okay.  I suppose.  It was for me.  When I was young.
But aging is a nightmare for many other reasons.  While you were not contemplating such a time in your short life.  While you did have the energy to make a difference, to the world...to yourself...did you do enough?  Not enough to satisfy some panel of metaphysical judges or gods.  But enough to satisfy that aging man or woman that you will, or have become.  Do any of us?  For aren't we the toughest judge of our own lives and our accomplishments?

Blame is a specter of mine.  An evil spirit which I cannot exorcise. One upon which I rely and fear simultaneously.  I lean on it like the cripple that I have often seen in the mirror, leans on his crutch.  We all blame our failings on others...it is human nature(or so I have found) to do so.  I blamed "the sixties" for intervening in my young life.  Pulling me into social awareness when I should have gone to class.  Thinking that I could make a difference in the world by carrying a placard and screaming at the police.  I didn't.  Somewhere in my head, at least 10% of me knew at the time, that this was not the road to take.  But that other 90% said "go on...have some fun protesting and playing the angry young man".  For my debauchery with women...I blame my inherited good looks.  "Hey, if women find you attractive...whatta ya gonna do?...turn them down?"  For my skewed view of family, I blame the death of my father when I was very young and not having had a real male role-model in my life during those formative pubescent years.  I blame McDonalds for the chubbiness that I had to conquer in my mid-thirties.  You name a problem in my life...and I've got someone else to blame for it. 
But at the very least, I am mostly aware of my shortcomings.  I understand that this blame is not a panacea for roads not taken.  It is mostly ill-placed and can't really help me now.
But that's as may be.  We all have our demons.

They place us between rocks and hard places.  Many say that I blame jews/judaism for most of the problems of the world, which of course, considering that I have lived in the world; I have been subject to.  Well, I do. But it is a measured responsibility which I place upon this cult.  I have paid their usury, when I could have spent my currency on other things.  I have abandoned their media, which I could have enjoyed were it not so slanted toward the talmud.  I have culled my reading habits for fear of being sucked into wasting  time on the same point of view.  I have spent untold hours in meticulous research vetting most everything in popular culture to avoid breaking my obsessive rules of not being party to or giving consent to this all-consuming decline of the human condition at the hands of the tribe that rules.  Much time given.  Much effort spent.  Just so I can look at that guy in the bathroom.  And I can.  But he is so much older now.  I barely recognize him.  And that too plays into the nightmare of which I speak. 
So I have found myself between that rock of judaism, and the hard place of my almost obsessive resistance to it.  But as I 'skinny' through these closely juxtapositioned demons, I know there will be reward when I finally do awaken from this nightmare of aging.  The cure of either blissful emptiness in which there will be no "I" to care about such things...or another adventure.  One perhaps when I can remake my faulty decisions.  One in which blame is not needed at all.  One in which I stick to those piano lessons and college lessons and life lessons.  One that doesn't deteriorate into so much effort just to be able to glance at a reflection without regret.  "A consummation devoutly to be wished...to die, to sleep".







14 comments:

Anonymous said...

be gentle with yourself...

you're in some very {intellectually} elite company..

Jesus, Martin Luther, Patton, Forrestal, Ford, Pound, Lindbergh,
...Mullins, and many others who have questioned the Fraud Artists, Thieves, Vampires, as extra special lying murderers/talmudic terrorists....
Prove all things, even.

To thine ownself...be true.

then that guy in the mirror will

remind you that those who reach the top ...
must first climb the hill


Davy

Anonymous said...

Hey Timster!
Yes, I too have felt that embarrassment at being found naked in my dreams, and in my waking hours.
Aging..... I must be close to your age. Your nakedness in aging is beautiful, please don't feel embarrassed before me. What is ugly and gross is hiding behind clothes, never showing the real person.
We wanted to do and be so much and now, here we are! The same old voices haunt us, "you are not enough, you didn't make a difference, you missed, you weren't even very happy, you failed, and now it's too late!!!!"
We go on listening to these voices until we finally see that they are simply untrue. And then there is no one to blame!
You lost your father early on, are there really male role models that help? My father was never there... Maybe I was lucky not to be daddy's little girl, special. My mother was never much of one, so I found ways to love and nurture mysel and my own children. I've seen "loved" children who grow up unable to really love themselves. Mommy and daddy did it, that was enough!
I see the Jews as mommys and daddy's girls and boys, conditioned to feel chosen and special. No, we are all beautiful and human and loved by the existence.
I am sad, I wanted to live in a world filled with beauty and passion and love, and I see little of those!
Lao Tsu said something like, Everything is perfectly balanced, only I am unsettled!".
I think you got it right Timster, when we are empty finally of this "I" we won't even care about blaming.
Perhaps you were better off without those piano lessons!
I had always wanted to go to art school. It wasn't to be. I am the artist that I have become, that will have to do!
Blessings
Marigold

mike m said...

I hear you brother as I too put everything through my filter before I allow myself to enjoy something which I should be able to do without jumping through so many hoops.

One thing I have found that brings much pleasure is to look away from the "worldly things" and venture into nature which even though has been severly affected by their touch still holds many wonders and serenity if you look.

I was even lucky enough to spend the past weekend in such a setting and enjoyed every minute of it.

Peace

Timster said...

Davy - I wouldn't compare myself to those guys! Well...maybe(grin).

Timster said...

Marigold - Maybe in my next life? I always liked the piano.

Timster said...

Mike - I hear ya, bro. I find myself outside much more than I used to. Time makes gardeners of us all...

Noor al Haqiqa said...

Tim, you touched my heart with this piece. Thank you for your bravery in baring your soul to the world. You and I are of an age obviously, having grown up in a pre-Holocaust sensitive world.

One of the biggest things that struck me in this, my current "coming of our age", was that many of the revelations of my life were not "natural" but aspects of the planned manipulation of our agenda threatening baby boom generation.

We did not have to bite at the apple of feminism but we did. The same goes for the drugs or the psychedelic movement. Or so many of the other destructive things we so naively welcomed into society back in the day.

From childhood I never felt I belonged. I avoided that which was popular in the media except for "rebellious" music which I bought into with vigor. Never ever did I feel "as one" with those around me, even when surrounded by other rebels without a clue.

Movies? TV? I took backhanded pride in my cultural ignorance....

Even at 16 I remember thinking that we were losing freedom of information when my local radio station was conglomerated. But other than being aware of the grey suited men in the shadows, I knew nothing.

During my life I never took a job that went against my ethical code which has always remained high. Sadly, influenced as I was by the social movements of the time, I made some foolish long term decisions in my life, but these cannot be undone now so no sense brooding.

But when I hear my daughter turning down a "good" job in because her work could develop into military applications, I know I did something right.

Mike says it best. Be gentle to yourself, no one else will be... or precious few. Forgive yourself. We really did not know.

But not ONE major choice in my life was made without jumping through hoops, hoops that I have since learned were not completely of my own creation. Hell, like you, my life was coerced without my conscious knowledge.

What counts, Tim, is what we do now, that is all we can sorta control. On these actions and these only can you now judge yourself.

ONLY time in the wilds has ever brought me peace. I was fortunate to live in the wilderness for many many years and I know that is all that kept me balanced... more or less.

God is the wilderness... where we find our balance. Yes it has taken me time to accept that nature, too, is now hopelessly corrupted, but still, it is where I go for a little peace upon occasion.

Timster said...

Noor - Thanks for the heartfelt response. When we say we made conscious choices in life...is that true? We have Eddie Bernays and his ilk to thank for the ones made that when examined now, seem completely nuts. Perhaps that is what aging means. To reflect and map out who you were...really. Why you were influenced so easily...where you fought the current and all that. What you did that you do NOT regret. Interesting line of thought if nothing else.

glengear said...

I always reread your post and all the comments. I have little to say, "always enjoyable." Timster I read most all your post, because they are enlightening. Also I enjoy the comments as much as your posts! Seems I get two for the price of one! You may be getting older but your head lights still burn bright! Do you have one of them new fangled last forever bulbs in there? HA,HA! Sorry! I could not help myself old man! Glen

Anonymous said...

Rock on, Timster!

Timster said...

Glenster - Who you callin old?

Timster said...

Anon@5:22 - Thanks for reading.

Anonymous said...

Hey-

Nice piece. Honest self-evaluation. I don't know how you feel about linking youtube vids, but I found this great one, "House Of Rothschild" circa 1934.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqCTvW5URfY

I love pre-code movies, don't you?
Anyway, no ones owns the copyright because it is pre-code era.

Hope you like....

Timster said...

Anon@6:04 - Hey, thanks for the link. I hadn't seen that for a long time. What an entertaining, propagandized, lying load of claptrap. I loved it! Well...Loretta Young anyway(grin).
I always liked comparing that film to "Jud Suss", made about the same time, but with a little different take..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=konbtoeVtQ4