Thursday, January 27, 2011

Ancestry...

I have always been fascinated by genealogy. I have done family tree searches and taken oral histories from older relatives since...hell...a long time ago. Until rather recently the LDS had hoarded their massive records however. This has made it tough for genealogists. But they released them a few years ago and it has become fashionable to pay jews(who of course bought all the rights to them) for the online privilege of researching your family. Well, I'm a bit ashamed to say...I bit. Hell, it's only money, right? I never had any kind of reverence for that shit. Money.

Anyway, as I traced my maternal lineage back through the centuries...this mother...this father...these siblings...I made an astounding discovery. Not only am I a direct descendant of Geoffrey Chaucer(direct great-great-great something or other), I have found and verified that the original members of my clearly traceable family, were none other than the rulers of what is now known as Switzerland! Not the family that now rules the area. Before the Old Swiss Confederacy...before the reformation...before the Ancien regime...before the Holy Roman edicts kicking my family out of the area...we ruled. I can prove this in the ancient texts I have uncovered. The lands were given to my family by a guy named Steve.

Therefore...I hereby reclaim my family's throne and power over the entire region. I am of course grateful to the pretenders over the millennium for taking care of my lands and peasants, however...I feel it my duty to assume my rightful place on the throne.
I know this will come as a shock to many of you...not knowing that you have been reading and corresponding with royalty, but I am of a forgiving nature. Under the dictates of noblesse oblige I excuse your trespasses upon my royal personage.

Now to the matter of what will hereafter be known as the Holy Re-assumption. Although I feel somewhat indebted to those that occupied my lands for so many years, I must exercise my power over the area...and they are hereby notified to vacate this, my holiest of holy land. The land of my saintly ancestors. They must leave immediately.
I have contacted the UN about these matters and I assure you that a resolution is being drafted as I pen this document. If you wish to verify this, you may contact the undersecretary for emerging nations in his office...a Mr. Balfour esq.

This, my ancestral land which I intend to rename "Timsteria" will be home to my many relatives and friends of my royal choosing...and no others. It is our homeland. Non-Timsterians are not welcome and shall not be citizens. We must have laborers and they shall be called "beasts"...but they must not profit from their labors in service of we the Royal Entourage, other than bare subsistence as we deem necessary.
I understand that this change may come as a surprise to some that now inhabit my realm, however they are few in number and at the end of the day, they are merely beasts. My ancestry has chosen us to rule. And rule we will. Along with the official resolution coming from New York, will come also funds which will be applied to defense of my realm. Make no mistake about this: We the Royal Timsterians will brook no trespass. If my lineage and claim to these lands are in anyway questioned throughout the lands over which the UN presides, such offenders will be put to death. As will any "swiss" people found living in my country after a week next Tuesday. So it is written...so it shall be.

The official religion of Timsteria shall be none of your business. Except to say that is a holy one and it is based on the current value of silver. Other than these facts, it shall not be questioned. Such inquiry will be treated as will the above mentioned denial of my due heritage.

We shall be a democratic nation...almost entirely. The only exceptions to this type of government shall come in the form of official Timsterian Decree. These may come often and at my whim and of course are again...not to be questioned.


Hereafter I shall expect total Royal respect from you...the filth that are reading this(except my brother-in-law). You shall address me as "Your Worship"...or "Chosen One". No exceptions.
All borders to what is now known as switzerland are hereby closed. Closed until Holy Tuesday, when the "swiss" will be driven out of my lands. Once my lands are secured, I intend to attain nuclear weaponry and to look beyond my realm for more real estate. So I am warning all countries bordering mine...to watch their asses.


Thank you.

12 comments:

veritas6464 said...

HRH Timster,...Oh glorious "Chosen One", this is a most amazing coincedence. Last evening whilst tossing and turning in a restless haunted stupor, a vision appeared to me (a pretty goy chick in a sequined G String, actually) and 'lo' she said,..."You there, grovelling Knave, His Holy Immnenseness Timster The Chosen, needs a step'n'fetchit, the job pays a reasonable salary which doesn't quite compensate for the many hours, however, you will have an expenses budget, so get off your arse; get ye to the Lappy and email His Royal Humungousness immediately; or at least before his grandiose delusion wares off!

So, Sire, You 'Chosen One' you, I offer my humble services as Royal Step’n’Fechit Esquired, to the Royal House of Timsteria. Oh, I’ll need every second Wednesday afternoon off because they have free lunch on at the Pokies Pub, other than that I’m yours.

Sincerely,

Painful Paulie – Hereditary Groveller to the Stars

P.S. Can I carry a gun, huh, can I? A uniform would be nice too, huh?

Timster said...

V - I dub thee Sir Stepn...any gun you wish...and medals...you get medals!

fun with sarcasm said...

Disinfo agents lurk around every corner! Everyone is on Cass' payroll! Alex Jones isn't *troo* enough. Skeeter's blog going down was a fake he is hasbarat! Skippy's blog is (true) and he doesn't have a George McGovern sticker in the garage. Meathead was a KGB agent.

veritas6464 said...

HRH Timster,...Woohoo GUNS!!! AND MEDALS, how did you know I was a Bauble guy?! You Charming despot you.

"TEAM BLING"

Yaaaayyy TEEEAM!

P'P'.(?)

Gudrun said...

Good morning oh great-great-great descendant of something or other.

Congratulations,your Worship!

What appealed to me most about this announcement is your official holy-none-of-your-business-religion. Will you be bringing out a book? Any CDs? A T-shirt?

Also, are you accepting any followers and if so, which wall do I use for my offerings and how many prostrations are necessary to become a member?

You see, I live in Germ-any, which is in close proximity and fear that my life might be in danger once you attain nuclear weaponry.

Yours humbly
An-other-peasant

Timster said...

Fun - Yep. I have even been called one. Go figger...

Timster said...

Gudrun - Your region is in my sights. I would prefer that you bow lower,please?

Timster said...

V - I shall make you minister of something, if you shall rid me of this troublesome priest!

Frog said...

Tim,
Don't forget the issue of reparations. Damages for years of lost income, suffering.
If I remember correctly, you were raised by wolves, stealing food from guards at the concentration where your ancestors were illegal kept in inhumane conditions, right?
I would start by organizing a museum of atrocities committed against your family, write letters to the Swiss banks and the UN.
...
Actually, now that I think about it, none of that will work, because the Holocaust (TM) has been preempted by other people. No competition allowed here. Suffering is trademarked and copyrighted by the Tribe. Sorry, my bad.
Oh well, don't give up your day job.

covkid said...

Hi Timster,

Phew!for one moment i thought you were going to say that you had traced your lineage back to the lands of the chosenites.....pass the smelling salts.

Timster said...

Frog - I like the cut of your jib. I hereby appoint you Minister of Guilt Trips.

Timster said...

Cov - Nah. But I am a disinfo agent...does that count?